ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning  humor columnist for the Miami  Herald.
 
 
 
Colonoscopy  Journal: 
 
I called  my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to  make an appointment for a  colonoscopy.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
A few days  later, in his office, Andy showed me a color  diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that  appears to go all over the place, at one point  passing briefly through   Minneapolis.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Then Andy  explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a  thorough, reassuring and patient  manner.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I nodded  thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything  he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S  GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR  BEHIND!'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I left  Andy's office with some written instructions,  and a prescription for a product called  'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to  hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss  MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to  say that we must never allow it to fall into the  hands of America 's  enemies...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I spent  the next several days productively sitting  around being  nervous.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Then, on  the day before my colonoscopy, I began my  preparation.  In accordance with my  instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that  day; all I had was chicken broth, which is  basically water,  only with less  flavor.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Then, in  the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix  two packets of powder together in a  one-liter plastic  jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For  those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter  is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the  whole jug.  This takes about an hour,  because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being  kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal  cleanser, with just a hint of  lemon.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The  instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by  somebody with a great sense of humor, state that  after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel  movement may  result.'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

This is  kind of like saying that after you jump off your  roof, you may experience contact with the  ground.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

MoviPrep  is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too  graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a  space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much  the MoviPrep experience, with you as the  shuttle. There are times when you wish the  commode had a seat belt.  You spend several  hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,  spurting violently.  You eliminate  everything.  And then, when you figure you  must be totally empty, you have to drink another  liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I  can tell, your bowels travel into the future and  start eliminating food that you have not even  eaten  yet.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

After an  action-packed evening, I finally got to  sleep.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The next  morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was  very nervous.  Not only was I worried about  the procedure, but I had been experiencing  occasional return bouts of MoviPrep  spurts.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt  on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend  for something like that?  Flowers would not  be  enough.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

At the  clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging  that I understood and totally agreed with  whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led  me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,  where I went inside a little curtained space and  took off my clothes and put on one of those  hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,  the kind that, when you put it on, makes you  feel even more naked than when you are actually  naked..

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Then a  nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein  in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have  fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was  already lying down.  Eddie also told me  that some people put vodka in their  MoviPrep.
   
At first I  was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,  but then I pondered what would happen if you got  yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,  so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose  Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn  your  house.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

When  everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the  procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a  nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not  see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it  hidden around there somewhere.  I was  seriously nervous at this  point.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Andy had  me roll over on my left side, and the  anesthesiologist began hooking something up to  the needle in my  hand.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

There was  music playing in the room, and I realized that  the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I  remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that  could be playing during this particular  procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least  appropriate.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

'You want  me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere  behind  me.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

'Ha ha,' I  said.  And then it was time, the moment I  had been dreading for more than a decade.   If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because  I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,  exactly what it was  like.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I have no  idea.  Really.  I slept through  it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing  Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the  next moment, I was back in the other room,  waking up in a very mellow  mood.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Andy was  looking down at me and asking me how I  felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even  more excellent when Andy told me that It was all  over, and that my colon had passed with flying  colors. I have never been prouder of an internal  organ.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 


On the  subject of Colonoscopies... 
Colonoscopies  are no joke, but these comments during the exam  were quite humorous..... A physician claimed  that the following are actual comments made by  his patients (predominately male) while he was  performing their  colonoscopies:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   1.   Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no  man has gone  before.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2. 'Find  Amelia Earhart  yet?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

3. 'Can  you hear me  NOW?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4. 'Are we  there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there  yet?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

5. 'You  know, in Arkansas , we're now legally  married.'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

6. 'Any  sign of the trapped miners,  Chief?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

7. 'You  put your left hand in, you take your left hand  out...'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

8. 'Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet  feels!'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

9. 'If  your hand doesn't fit, you must  quit!'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

10. 'Hey  Doc, let me know if you find my  dignity.'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

11. 'You  used to be an executive at Enron, didn't  you?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

12. 'God,  now I know why I am not  gay.'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

          And the best one of  all: 
13. 'Could  you write a note for my wife saying that my head  is not up  there?'

-- 
Kathie S. Henson