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Montana's sick new sex ed plan

We used to arrest people who exposed little kids to pervy sex ideas. Today, these nutjobs are in charge of the school curriculum.

Under a wacko plan in Helena, the capital of Montana, sex education will begin in kindergarten, where children will be taught words like penis, vagina, breast, nipples, testicles, scrotum and uterus.

I don't even want to think about the visual aids.

And if you think first grade is too early to learn about sexuality, wait until you see what they'll be studying in Helena: HOMOSEXUALITY! And by fifth grade -- still in elementary school, by the way -- these kids will be taught all the ways they can "do it," including oral sex and anal sex.

High school students will get lessons in erotic art, but let's face it: By that age, most of them have seen everything they want (and a few things you and I have probably never even heard of) on the Internet.

But it doesn't stop there -- the proposed curriculum would also teach high schoolers about anxiety over sexual performance. Then, who knows, maybe the school nurse will write prescriptions for Viagra when she hands out condoms.

Naturally, parents are outraged. After all, you might expect this out in La-La Land on the Left Coast -- but not in straight-shooting Montana. Hundreds of parents gathered at a recent Helena board meeting and demanded that they ditch the plan -- and threatened to impeach the board if they go through with it.

Personally, I think anyone twisted enough to put actual thought into how to teach anal sex to children ought to register as a sex offender -- and be kept far from the schools.

And you definitely don't want those sweaty palms anywhere near the school curriculum.

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What's in a McNugget?

I've always said that fast food tastes like putty. Turns out I'm not far off, because one of the ingredients in Chicken McNuggets is also found in Silly Putty.

I wonder if you can copy the funny pages by smashing a McNugget into it. It's certainly preferable to actually eating the things.

A recent CNN "investigation" -- they read the ingredients label -- found that this Happy Meal staple contains dimethylpolysiloxane. Listed as "an antifoaming agent," dimethylpolysiloxane is also used in Silly Putty and common cosmetics.

And if that doesn't whet your appetite, McNuggets also contain a petroleum-derived preservative called tertiary butylhydroquinone, also known as tBHQ. A single gram of this stuff can cause nausea, vomiting, delirium, ringing in the ears, the sensation of suffocating, collapse and an overheated spell checker.

No wonder people feel like crap after they eat this junk!

Health officials claim these ingredients are safe if you eat them in the small amounts used in food preparations like Chicken McNuggets. But is that really a chance you want to take?

For the record, neither ingredient is essential to the integrity of the McNugget -- CNN found that they're not used at all in British McDonald's locations, and I haven't heard of any McRiots over there.

McDonald's says the difference is due to local tastes -- so apparently, we Yanks enjoy the delicate flavors of petroleum and Silly Putty. And for all I know, maybe we do. They can't be much worse than anything else on the typical fast food, canned goods and frozen meals diet that has America in such great shape.

Having said all that, I have to admit: I'm impressed by the Chicken McNugget. I wouldn't put one near my mouth, but it's an absolute marvel of engineering -- I counted 37 ingredients just in the "chicken" and the "breaded" coating, and another seven ingredients in the vegetable oil used to cook it.

They should put these things in a science museum, maybe blast them off into space so other civilizations can see how advanced we are.

Just make sure they're clearly labeled: DO NOT EAT.

Not McLovin' putty nuggets,

William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.

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